BEING MYSELF | COMING TO TERMS WITH THE PRESENT

Designed: Sharatchandran Nair

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Blog Written by: Kartik Nair

Note: This blog is based on my personal experiences and is not meant to show-off, but to instead emphasize upon the more important topic in the picture. The views are personal, and so, this is a personal read. And it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do related to Michelle Obama's 'Being' in any manner. That is something phenomenal. Oh, and I am definitely not a preacher. Enjoy the read!

Being yourself? Yes, this is the very essence of this blog. Unlike my other blogs, I've not done in-depth research on this one and is not something which concerns or intends to inform you, because this is based on my personal experiences. In India, we have been in a state of lockdown for almost 4 months now. In this time, I got to catch up on a lot of friends and 'potential-friends' as I call them, and know how they are going on with their life, dealing with this phase, etc. While many of them had nothing too great to talk about, some were saddened due to the loss of their loved ones, some had their jobs taken from them, some were on the loss of pay. The crux: A lot of my friends or contacts were going through tough times.

But what got me to actually sit and finalize on this topic was one common thing that many of my friends had to say, in common. It is more like analytics, where you tend to look at performing or indicative numbers, which might get you a start-point. This got me going. And, what was that thing they said? “Kaash life me mujhe aur kuch mila hota. Mereko idhar aana hi nahi tha. Meri zindagi kyu itni kharaab hai. Mene kiska kya bigaada hai?" (I wish if life had given me something instead of this. I never wanted to be here. Why is my life so bad-What have I done so bad that I deserve this?) This blog is for all of you, who think they are in a wrong place (and/or time) and that they should have gotten better. That you deserved better. That you could be much better used and appreciated at some other place. At some other role. At some different situation. At a much better pay-scale. Doing much higher things in life. Being contended.

Perhaps you tend to frequently visualize yourself to the person you ‘dream’ to be, you yearn to be, or you could have been, the organization you wanted to work for, the power or status that you could have had, both in personal and social spheres; little things which, if had been with you in the past could have changed who you are today. But, getting back to ground zero it is not. As you went through my previously written lines, you might have seen yourself there, but here you are. But should you worry about that? Can that be changed? How can you indeed be with yourself, accept yourself today, knowing you deserved better in the past?

Well, let me begin with something about me (And no, I am not going to answer it the HR way!) Well, for those who know me well, I was a carefree person, disillusioned from the realities of the world, sometimes practical, sometimes not, occasionally childish, at the other time mature, sometimes very dedicated and sincere, at the other times lacking in all of it way beyond you can think. You may also know that I was into sports. Well, I definitely did like sports. I did pretty well at the school level at Athletics and even went on to qualify for my state, Gujarat at the 2011 Inter-State West Zone Meet. Well, those little achievements plus some luck enabled me to get into the prestigious St. Xavier's College (Ahmedabad) via Sports Quota. (Believe it or not, no matter how I look now, I did it then!) Well, I got bored of it pretty soon (and my physique was not athlete-ready), and after a few discussions from my then coach, I shifted to Road Cycling where I did pretty well. A two-time district champion, state runner-up and a national level player (in addition to a consistent top 10/ top 15 performances in elite races) were proof that I 'had it in me' and that I could make it work.

My then coach told me that I would one day represent India (Boy, was that one thing I wanted to hear!) – But times and situations tested me. I found myself out of it pretty soon. In individual sports, you are your own warrior. If you play smart and strong, you win. If not, you're out. It's unlike team sports in that regard. Worried about my biking obsession (and that cycling was a costly sport, in terms of training and equipment)-My mother fondly asked me when I would be ‘taking it easy’. What she meant was simple: “Kartik, when are you going to stop racing and focus in life?” My answer was simple, “Mom, it shall be the day when I represent India once at the Asian championships." And I worked towards it. But my (never before seen) lazy attitude crept in, and I was off pro-sports. My 'elite certification' had become nothing to be proud of except to put or place somewhere on my resume. I was a very diet-specific person (Not like Sheldon Cooper though)-And I religiously followed my diet. If I had a cheat meal, I always made sure I biked long and intense enough to burn it off. Ask my then friends, and they can tell you what level of pain in the ass I was to take to restaurants or eateries. (I somehow found sadistic joy in the rare event of me going to McDonald's and asking for a burger without cheese, without sauce, without dressing and without mayo. I was even asked once, "Sir, so what do you want us to put inside? Lettuce, I said!)

Let's keep aside sports for a second! Let's get something else I wanted to be. Wanted to have a career in. Live it. The Indian Army. Yes, you heard it right! Given who I was, I believed (and a lot of closer people I met) that I had it in me to become an officer in the Indian Army. Well, I was reasonably intelligent, I was very fit physically and had an amicable attitude, among many other things. Heck had things, and my choice of arms would have worked out, I would have been a Captain today in the 9 Para Special Forces or perhaps would have been with the Aviation Corps. (What a loser, you might be thinking! Such tall dreams you see). Well, to clear the air, let me re-live those times when I cleared the UPSC Combined Defence Services examination twice. (Once for the Officers’ Training Academy, once for the Indian Military Academy). I reached the final round (conference, as it is called) in both my attempts, but never got recommended. And my age and drive soon ran out, and then, this too was out of the picture. (And my girlfriend left me shortly after this incident as well!)

During my interview with the Commanding Officer, I was asked for the reasons as to why I would like to be an officer with the army. The same rig. I told about my passion for the uniform and the force, my love for physical exercises and challenges and adventures, my ability to lead people and take them together, be sociable, be open to criticism, possible contributions I wanted to make in the army and the teams I wanted to play for. Well, I even imagined myself on a lot of occasions walking in the Kashmir Valley with my men in a counter-terrorist operation with an IWI Tavor Tar 21 in my hands (and with top-grade ammo in a rucksack on my back) and whatnot. I have seen myself represent the army, the services and in time, our country, India at the international level. (Just between us, I medalled at the Asian Games!) The very fact that I was an officer in one of the most prestigious organizations in the country made my parents happy, and my closed ones walked with their head held high. The society saw me differently, and somehow, I had way less difficulty in getting women to go on dates, with way fewer excuses. (Again, these are a few things that I thought).

Cut and back to the real world, here I sit with a future certain yet uncertain. I was working with one of the best institutions as an academic and quit a few months before the lockdown and here I am, preparing for an exam. I am obese and lazy, and way more and open and yes, creative than I was. At times, I am confused and am scared, and at times, I get irritated and blame things around me, and God for the possible things I did not get. Things that I thought I deserved.  To add to it, I see people who are, if I may, (and I am nobody to say so or judge someone)-Less deserving or competent than I am, or how they get their way in things. People way less talented, getting up somehow in life, without really putting on a good show. So, how did I come to terms with it? How did I come to terms with the fact that luck or success didn’t come to me even though I deserved it? I sometimes think I've failed.

To start with, it has not been easy. It has not. But, looking back at what I am today, who I am, makes me happy. Perhaps, if I had gotten recommended and I would have been in the army today, I would have to serve under strict rules and hierarchy, and I would have to be silent at times. Today, I need not do that. I have a space to speak. To voice my opinions. To share my views. Talk to people openly. Heck, I might not have been able to run this little blog site to share my opinions with you, dear reader. Yes, I definitely missed the style, the status, the hard work, the ass-roughening, the challenges, the other way of life, the experiences and lots of subsidised liquor, but perhaps, as a Special Forces operative, I would not have been alive to tell my tale today. I would not have been an academic at one of the most excellent B-schools in India, the IIMA. I wouldn't have been able to teach and assist in developing the future business leaders of India. I would never have remotely thought of pursuing an MBA or even doing a PhD in the future. I would not have gotten a chance to see who my real friends are, in my challenging times. I would not have gotten the opportunity to win at competitions. (This time its arts and academics, and not sports). I got to write my own blog, and keep my little spirit of content and essay writing alive, to make friends and to discuss ideas with a lot of new people, connect back to old people, etc. I got out of my toxic thinking that fat people were useless and that they could not do anything useful with their lives (Karma I guess!) From individual sports, after a long wait, I went to a fit centre engaged in group-fitness activities and got to interact and make friends with a lot of like-minded people. And my diet-control has obviously gone for a toss and have eaten a lot of things in larger quantities, the kind of stuff I used to detest, avoid, stay away from. Somehow, this is much tastier. But somehow there still lies this little guilt element.

But then, what happened to my dreams? My thoughts? Who I wanted to be? Well, thinking of it, pinches me a little, but it’s past now. I have come to realize that I can only learn from it and not change it. It took me a while to realize that and get a hold on it, but yes, I’ve sort of, come to terms with it. It did take time, tears, friends, health and a bit of my age, but it feels it's all worth it now. Would I have wanted to change it? Well, that's a difficult one. I am in no space to answer these questions. What would it have been for me to represent our country? To get sporting honours? To perhaps serve in one of the most elite branches of the Indian Army? Honestly, I do not know. As I said, I may not have even been alive to write this in front of you today. Life is not as smooth as it seems like or a bed of roses. There are frequent hiccups and challenges, and I somehow think all that makes it worth living. There have been changes yes, most of them towards the downward curve, but I think, this will all be worth it, in the end. Today, I thank my parents, God, my dog Nano (she is no longer with me), my loved ones, friends, critics and acquaintances for this life that I have today. It is you who makes me worth living my life to the fullest.

My journey is like most of you, with its fair share of ups and downs. When I pray to God, I ask for the strength and ability to rise through challenges than to merely avoid them. There will be good times, and there will be bad times. There will be tears, there will be smiles. As I think, it is this very essence of uncertainty and challenges that keeps me going and not giving up, for at the end of darkness, there is always light.

Thank you folks. These are bad times and I thought I should let you know that you are awesome and that you’ll do great! Let me know what you feel like. Let me know your story, about your journey. Until then, hasta luego!

"Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy." -Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

++SharatChandran Nair is an aspiring interior designer. He loves to design and create aesthetically cool things everyday. Do have a look at his creations, and follow his page on Instagram!

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