BUILDING SELF CONFIDENCE: CRACKING OUT OF THAT LOW-ESTEEM SHELL TODAY

Designed: Niral Patel

Blog Written by: Kartik Nair

Before I get started, here’s something I want you to do-Rewind yourselves, re-visit your past, in particular, some uncomfortable moments (which didn't go as well as you expected and maybe it could've been done well)-and I bet there will, will and will be situations where you may not have done or performed well, owing to self-doubt, low esteem, embarrassment, shyness, etc. (There can be a whole lot of words there for that matter). Before I start writing this blog on building self-confidence, increasing self-esteem and self-respect, let me tell you one thing. If you ‘re-visited’ any moment of your life in that little flashback and felt a little bit low or sad or emotional even, let me tell you before anyone else does: It is normal. I repeat. It is just normal.

On the face of it, a large number of us would tend to use the words self-respect, self-confidence and self-esteem interchangeably. Well, even though they look similar on the face of it, they do have differences, and they make us as a person; by deciding our thoughts, our actions and our course of action. If this makes you happy, let me tell you that we were born confident! Right from the comfort of our mother’s warm, cozy womb, ready to face this cruel, competitive world. We were born to face things, not run away from them. Fight or Flight is something we've heard of often. According to psychology and popular perception, it is the mind’s natural tendency to avoid risks, take the frequently travelled path and to look at the easier ways whenever the body is at alert.

Think again. Here are a few questions to start with. When was the last time you actually told a person you loved or hated how you felt like, before ignoring the matter and ‘letting things take care of itself’? When or how was the last time you asked your crush out, trying to talk to them for a while or getting them to go out with you? When was the last time you made your point felt across a meeting in your company to 'not offend' the seniors knowing your idea was much better? When was the last time you stayed silent, letting toxic people called friends do whatever they were doing to use you and ruin your life? Feeling sad? Perhaps you do. Perhaps you do not. But I bet you can definitely relate to some of the above questions I put right before you.

And if they are creeping onto your happiness, it’s time to act now. And if this makes you comfortable, let me tell you-I have been there. I have faced it. Trust me, it hurts. But here I am, about to tell you from my life learnings, a good amount of research and a few experiences I’ve had- 10 ways you can improve on your self-esteem and self-confidence. But before I tell you all that, you must understand what the above terms mean.

So, what exactly is Self-Esteem? How does it affect you?

In a nutshell, self-esteem is the opinion one has of themselves. In other words, how you think about yourself defines your self-esteem. Think about our daily life. When we are positive, and when we have healthy self-esteem, we are better equipped to deal with the rough patches in this road called life. Contrary to it, if our self-esteem is low, we tend to frequently criticize ourselves and blame ourselves in everything we do. It is primarily based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves, which we feel can't be changed. Self-esteem is present in all decisions you make, in everything you do-How you value yourself as a person, the ability of yours to try and do new things, take the time you need for yourselves, recognize and accept your strengths and weaknesses, and believe you are good enough.

Wait a minute. These sound like innate, natural abilities. They sure are! It is there, as I said, with you right from the moment you were born. So, where and when does this loathing or self-doubt exactly start? I hate to tell this to you, but it begins in our childhood. It starts, circulates and is passed by parents, friends, peers, society, family, and even the internet and media. The very fact that ‘you are not really good enough’ really stays with you, no matter how hard you try and ignore it. You soon find it difficult to live up to people’s or for that matter, even your own expectations. You become prone to more negative thoughts. Again, it can be due to getting bullied or abused, due to experiencing prejudice or discrimination or neglect, stress, mental health issues, relationship issues, family issues, facing unemployment, etc.

This, in the short term, leads you to steer clear from social situations or maybe to stop trying new things and most importantly holding you back from things which actually challenge and shape you. You are basically avoiding difficult circumstances to make you feel safe. However, in the long term, this cements the doubts you have and ‘re-affirms’ them making you feel incomplete. It teaches you that the only way to actually cope and face your demons or fears is by actually avoiding them. You will be spiralled into depression and anxiety issues, leading to coping mechanisms, unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with them. Things can be more dangerous if they turn into a mental health problem, making you hate yourself, blaming yourself unfairly, feeling hopeless or worthless. Prolonged issues, as said, can lead to mental disorder, especially depression and people then tend to view the world as a hostile place and themselves as a victim in a viciously created scheme of evil plans.

What is Confidence? Self-Confidence? How does confidence play an important role here?

Confidence is one’s belief in oneself, a conviction that one has the ability to meet life’s ever-throwing challenges, learn and to emerge out of it victorious (both literally and figuratively). Self-confidence can be linked to almost all elements involved in fully living a happy, enriching and fulfilling life.

A good level of self-confidence can calm those negative voices rising up in your head and can put you in charge of your thoughts, actions and values. It gives you a sense of completion, of accomplishing something. It helps you persevere. Don't believe me? Take an example of a significant achievement you've made or done in your life. It can be in any domain and don't let others tell you. Decide one for yourselves. Maybe you reached a good level in sports or arts. Maybe you just learned a seemingly impossible skill or software. Perhaps you learnt a language. Maybe you just put a tick-mark against an activity on your bucket list. Whatever, it is, few things are common. Perseverance, dedication and hard work. You confidence gradually grows, and you end up finding yourselves in a better place. You are ready to stretch your horizons and are more willing to take risks. The ‘What-if’ fear element seems to vanish off. What is often not talked about confident people is this: Confident people have what it takes to accept and cope with their failures and setbacks.

However, having a good amount of self-confidence doesn't make sure you don't fail. It makes you ready to push yourself to move one step closer to things you've never really thought of doing before. You tend to know your self-worth and can celebrate your strengths, weaknesses and your life more happily. You have a higher purpose. You improve your relationships, with yourselves and with others. You begin to genuinely engage with others, not seeming so worried about the consequences you'll be making as you'll not be comparing yourselves with others. Either way, you are present and happy.

That being said, I would like to highlight the old adage here-Too much of anything is good for nothing. A realistic thought of one’s abilities enables people to strike a balance between a good level of confidence and other factors. But what if it goes over? Or under? Under-confidence can hinder people from taking risks and seizing the right opportunity. On the other hand, Over-confidence can show up as arrogance, narcissism or in simple words, cockiness.

Confident people seem to have an entirely different aura, right? The way they get notified as credible and the powerful first impression, the ways they deal with pressure and tackle both personal and professional challenges. But wait! This is very much doable, right? After all, they too are humans. But is it so easy? It is if you make the first move.

So, what is the secret to becoming more Self-Confident? To develop more Self-Esteem? How can you be Happy and Confident in life?

Source: Canva || Designed: (Self)

To boost your confidence and self-esteem, you need to first identify these negative beliefs you have about yourself and ask yourself the time, the moment when you first let these affect you. Also, confidence is not an innate characteristic. Yes, we are born with it, or you may say that some are confident than others. True. But, it can be acquired and improved over time. One after the other, you can gain a sense of confidence from your accomplishments, the fact that you’ve improved one step a time. Consider self-confidence and self-esteem as muscles in your body, and these tips as your ways to help build them, reach your goals. If you would want to exit your comfort shell and overcome more hurdles in life, you need to develop inner strength and resilience, and for that, your mental muscles need a good workout. Here are my Top-10 tips to help you build on confidence. Again, there are a lot many. These ten things happen to be my favourite, or for that matter, they happen to be in my head at this point in time. Let's dive right in!

· Knowing Yourself: For me, this is the most important point. It is not equivalent of the closest friend or family member of yours telling you that makes you. It is you who should know who you are. You can start by analysing yourself honestly, writing down your thoughts and reflecting upon it. Then think about the good things and your positives. When it comes to things that hold you back, consider if it is indeed rational or if it is placed irrationally. Know this: If you are trying to overcome a negative self-image and try to replace it directly, you are bound to fail, as you haven't got your mind ready yet.

· Being Positive in your Approach: Just like thinking and doing are exclusive and overlapping at the same time, so is being positive and putting it into action. Try to act positively, knowing you can do it. Talk with people positively and channelize that inner energy in your actions. Remind yourself time and again, despite all problems that you deserve to feel good about yourself. This can also help you to identify negative thoughts and work on them.

· Set Small Goals and Achieve Them: People often aim too high when they are not so ready and often fall out when they, most often miss their target. They get discouraged. Start by aiming for something more achievable, a goal you can achieve and try your level best to get there. Try doing more of these before jumping into a bigger one.

· Increasing your Capacity and Competence: Just as I stated in my point above, you become more competent by practising something again and again. Try to achieve one thing and do it with all your heart and passion. Gradually, you can try and increase your level of commitment and intensity on it.

· Smiling and Being Grateful: Trust me, it is one of the most under-rated qualities people often miss out. And again, it costs nothing. You tend to feel well when you smile and try to be grateful to what gives you, be it a success, happiness or failure. Appreciate what you have in your life and thank people around you.

· Exercise and Get Active: Working out and sweating releases endorphins, and you tend to feel tired, happy and excited at the same time. Start with basic walking, jogging and move up the ladder to High Intensity Interval Workouts (HIITs) or sports. This will help you to get active and be on your feet, taking steps to accomplish your goals. Also, have a balanced meal and be one with the food you eat.

· Expanding your Knowledge Horizons: I always tend to ask people to gain skills and learn something worthwhile. Yes, people who know me can relate to this one. Expanding on your knowledge is one of the best-proven methods to help build self-confidence. It can be learning from a book or various sources, the internet, or even trying out a new skill, learning softwares, etc.

· Challenge and Prove Yourself: Improvement is not accidental and a one-day process. You need to challenge yourself at every step. The next time you set yourself a goal and experience discomfort, ask yourself why you started it in the first place. You may also need to do this if you want to change yourself. It could be changing a small habit such as quitting smoking, or noting down things, or waking 10 minutes early. So, the next time you think you can’t achieve something, challenge yourself and prove yourself wrong. Know that you are more capable than you credit yourself for. You will love this incredible potential that you have.

· People: Yes, just one word it is. Spend more time with the people who value you and those who you hold dear. Try to know more people and enlarge your social horizons. Also, avoid those toxic people that mistreat you or make you feel bad and guilty about yourselves.

· Looking Good: This one is slightly different, out of the box for my readers who love to dress well and look good. When you groom yourself and dress nicely and look at yourself in the mirror, you tend to feel that little gush of confidence, don’t you?

Lastly, confidence building or personality change doesn’t reflect after one or two activities or in a week or a day. Again, strive to make this as a structural life change. Focus on the larger picture instead of artificial small-term gains that could make you temporarily happy. Last but not least, be satisfied and give your best. Try to work on these, and I know you will smile and love yourself forever. And if people talk crap, know that you aren't ice-cream and that you can't make everyone happy or please everyone. Kishor Kumar once said, “Kuch to log kahenge, logo ka kaam hai kehna.” (People will speak something or the other, for it is their constant thing to do so). And, before you leave, look at that happy chick coming out from that shell ready to face the world with a smile.

“Believe you can and you are halfway there” – Theodore Roosevelt

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